SAMI FREESE PLEASE

My Father, at dinner says,

“Now that your sister

has Sara’s car

I’m thinking of selling my car

and paying off the loan on your car

and driving your sister's old car

and buying a fun second car!”

 

My Father has said things like this

about selling cars and buying cars

and fun cars and fuel efficient cars

at brunches and breakfasts

and lunches and dinners

for years

for as long as I have been driving

since he sold his last vintage mustang

probably since before that.

 

My Father, at that same dinner says

“They say you shouldn’t make any

big changes or decisions

the in the first year of grief,

but I have to move for work, so.”

 

At that same dinner my Father says,

“I’m not crying every day anymore”

My Father says

“It really depends on who I’m talking to”

My Father says

“Sometimes it’s fine and sometimes it’s weeping”

 

My Father says,

“How about you?”

and I tell him

that what really gets me going

is Grandmas

out with their grandchildren.

 

He seems dissatisfied with that answer.

“What should I tell people,” he asks,

“when they ask how my girls are doing?”

I shrug and look away.

“I’m alright,” I say, “I’m fine.”

His mouth gets tight.

 

I thought I would have more to say by now

to my dad

to the people I see in bars

three of them just last weekend

who say, “I’m so sorry about your Mom.”

who say, “I saw on facebook.”

 

who seem dissatisfied when I say,

“Yeah,” and look down at my hands

in the grimy bathroom sink, “Thanks,”

or clutch my drink to my chest.

“It was a big shock.” leaning back

and ducking my head towards them.

They frown at me and nod

and look uncomfortable.

 

I wonder what they expect.

am having too much fun?

should women with dead mothers

drink less? go to the bathroom less?

avoid going out to bars for friends birthdays?

 

Do they want me to tell them how I really feel?
that I cry about grandmothers?

That I have no more to say about it now

months later

than I did in the immediate aftermath

 

When I kept smiling

And when people asked me

how I was doing I would say

“Pretty good!”

“Alright!”

“Fine!”

And then I would say

“Except for, you know, the obvious.”